Tips for Southerners moving North
1. Save all your beef fat. You will be instructed later how
to use it.
2. If you forget a Northerner's name, refer to him (or her)
3. Just because you can't drive on snow and ice does not mean
we always have to give you lifts everywhere.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men
in > the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of Carly Special
and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them.
Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find video rentals and bait in the
6. Do not try to buy fresh pasta. Thump in gob tends to offend..
7. If it can't be fried in lard, it ain't worth cooking.
8. Remember: "Us" is singular. "Thaa" is plural. "Thaas" is
9. There is nothing sillier than a Southerner imitating a northern
accent, unless it is a northerner imitating a Brummie accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "Tha not from around here, are tha?"
11. People walk slower.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They
don't understand you either.
13. The first Northern expression to creep into a transplanted
Southerner's vocabulary "me ducks", Eighty-five percent end their
new northern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred
percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer
15. Be advised: The "He were a southern bugger" ia a legal defence
16. If attending a funeral in the north take your baseball hat
off when everyone else does.
17. If you hear a Northern kid exclaim, "Ayup, come and look
at this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words
he will say before the explosion.
18. Most Northerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore
those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with
a northern licence plate, you may rest assured that it was on
when the car was purchased.
19. Southerners can be identified by the spit on the inside
of their car's windscreen that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The summer wardrobe you always brought out in April can
wait til June.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even
the most minuscule accumulation of sun, your presence is required
at the local chemist. It does not matter if you need anything
from there, it is just something you're supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the North. When you
purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your
caravan. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably
more than the caravan and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Blizzards and Northerners going through a divorce have a
lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose
24. Leeds does NOT have a castle, no matter how often you ask
25. In Northern churches you will hear the hymn, "Come All Ye
Faithful". You will also hear expressions such as, "Bugger me,
Lord", "God knows", "Jesus wept!" and "God help the poor cow ".
26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph
zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks
learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as a Reliant Robin,
and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
27. You can ask a Northerner for directions, but unless you
already know the positions of key piles of rubble, canals, coal
mines, railway crossings, and where factories used to stand, you're
better off trying to find it yourself.