The Best of Yorkshire humor
you lot - send 'em in! We need to build the ultimate
Yorks jokes collection. (Thanks to Steven Barnes for
getting the ball rolling...)
A Yorkshireman had emigrated to America, but
still used to receive news from home by mail.
One day, he got the following telegram:
'Regret father died this morning STOP early hours. Funeral
Wednesday STOP Yorkshire two hundred and one for six STOP
Boycott not out ninety six.'
And the rest...
Disorder In Court
are from a book called "Disorder in the Court",
and are things people
Actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published
Reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these
Actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when
he woke up that
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo or the
A: We both do.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
A: All my autopsies were performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
This is what you get with legal aid!
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
No Milk Today
Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another
Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
Cancel one pint after the day after today.
Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds
keep pecking the tops off the milk.
Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house
but two sons on the dole.
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had
a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for
Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and
a dozen pints, but the other way round.
When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake
me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's
Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened
over a cup of tea.
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before
you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby
two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour
Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply
From now on please leave two pints every other day and one
pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays
when I don't want any milk.
My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money
out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in
pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow,
for I wrote this note yesterday.
When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler,
let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS.
Don't leave any milk.
No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he
is dead until further notice.
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no
egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in
England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies
while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are
square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural
of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One
goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one
amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a
single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get
rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote
a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed
to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do
people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck
and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that
smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while
a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook
and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only
when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage
or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited
love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated,
gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people
who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in
which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you
fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes
off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects
the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't
a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they
are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I
wind up this essay, I end it?