Not getting any younger

There's probably some very rational explanation for it all. But this is deadly serious and apparently has enormous implications for the future.

You see the totters up have finally got last years census figures done. And according to the figures they are close to a million people short. And they're getting quite hot under the collar about it.

Why? Well because it has tremendous repercussions. It says here. The Association of British Insurers is wagging the finger and reckon that an additional 27 billion a year needs to be saved to ensure a comfortable time for the Coffin Dodgers' Class of 2020 because of the shortfall between people of working age and the growing number of oldies.

And all because of this million people they've lost.

It's not just any old people that have fallen off the register. It's able bodied blokes between the ages of 20 and 40. They reckon that these lads were all around the last time they looked but the buggers have gone AWOL. The theory is that they we all off in Europe working, or dossing on a beach somewhere, but this sounds a likely story. We can't ALL be handing out leaflets in Ibiza or digging holes in Frankfurt can we? Follow that logic and I'm writing this from a laptop under a Florida palm tree!

They also reckon that around 7,000 people a year are leaking from Scotland and settling down south. And that the lack of males between 20 and 40 is leaving a significant amount of women chasing a diminishing amount of eligible fellers. Bridget Jones's Britain, they call it.

Up until the time Duran Duran and Spandau Ballet were in the charts there were always more men than women in the country, so the lasses could afford to pick and choose. But now there are 15,000 more women aged 20-24 than men, and the difference gets more and more pronounced the older you get. 79,000 more in the 25-29 age group, 93,000 more among 30-34 year olds. After that, well we all know the score.

Overall in a population of around 58 mill, there are over a million more women here than men. Now the dude who runs the census is convinced they are all down in the Balearics getting into the rave scene, but I'm convinced that more sinister forces are at work. Praps these women have got some of these million men tied up in a back garage somewhere Joyce McKinney style, just bringing em out to fix the car and mow the lawn. Or maybe they are hiding from ex-girlfriends and the dreaded CSA. Or maybe stuck in a traffic jam near Scotch Corner. You ever been stuck in traffic and had the census guy tap on the windsheild? Me neither.

Another interesting fact emerging from this hot statistical fire is that the place in Great Britain with the highest number of males to females is Richmond, North Yorkshire. William Hague's constituency ( which shows what a bloke magnet our Billy is). Quite what happened to the fabled Richmond Lass is another mystery - up on the famous hill taking her turn or off to Leeds for the sales at Harvey Knicks most probably. It's not like Richmond is an especially good spot for a chap's clubs now is it. Our lass reckons that there must be one Richmond Lass up on that hill doing some very good business and that's what's drawing the blokes up there.

The big spin on these census results is that for the first time in history there are more pensioners than under sixteens. And the number of over 85s topped the million mark for the first time ever. The senile delinquents are taking over! There'll be zimmer frame shortage riots, and Daniel O'Donnell will be forced onto the radio one playlist by popular demand!

The soothsayers are getting hot under the collar about the proportion of working people when compared to the feet-up brigade and they are beginning to wonder where on earth the money is going to come from.

And Maggie Thatcher's children are expected to cover the difference. The Y generation growing up with student loans to pay off, huge mortgages to meet for a crap done-up terraced house, private pensions to contribute to, as well as the poll tax and the PAYE scheme. To pay for child care and private health and the rest. To me this seems like a generation that is beginning to be a tad overwhelmed with financial responsibilities...

Mum and Dad have no sympathy whatsoever - sat in their rural detached wondering why the kids aren't pulling their weight while blowing their life savings on a cruise every six months. They've got better things to worry about, like what's going to become of Michael Barrymore or whether to buy a Beemer or a Merc next year.

Quite what the missing million are up to remains a mystery. Maybe they are raving it up in the Med like the census dude says. Maybe they're all in the queue at the Job Centre or maybe they just miscounted.

By the way, hands up who accidentally on purpose forgot to fill in the census form last year. Me neither...

Blogga.