Red for Go!

The Scientists are at it again. Some cockeyed theory about something gets splattered all over the news because some spectacular lab saddo has published his latest obessional study.

That's why I'm such a fan of stuff like the Annals of Improbable Study, which is a sort of bastard egghead cousin of the Darwin Awards, (which celebrates the crazy ways people shuffle off this life).

The Ig Noble Awards(the AIS's main event of the year) now tend to follow the Nobel Prize Award announcements, to try and prick the ludicrous bubble of pomposity surrounding the latest Scientific achievement. The event has become a bit of a lark for the science freaks who like the rest of us love to take the P now and again.

This years event took place in Harvard, Connecticut and gave awards to a couple of mad gets who wrote a paper called "The Effects of Preexisting Inappropriate Highlighting on Reading Comprehension.". The physics prize went to a nutty Kraut for his demonstration that "Exponential Decay Law Using Beer Froth."

The audience totally lost it, and began barking and howling when the Peace Prize was awarded to a Japanese group that markets dog-to-human translation software. Then Enron and a gaggle of other corpoes won the Economics Prize for finding a way to use imaginary numbers in the business world.

That's what I call science. Total barmy lab-coated nonsense.

And the latest one is one crazy bugger called Dr Edwin Liem, of the University of Louisville in Kentucky. This nutcase studied the effects of an inhaled anaesthetic called desflurane on women between the ages of 19 and 40 (it says here) and reaches the conclusion that - wait fer it - Redheads Feel More Pain.

Words fail me. The more you read into this little study the more you realize that this fine individual has been drugging women and subjecting them to what he calls 'pain' as part of his experimentation. Getting lasses drunk then picking arguments is too good for this guy. He has to impress girls the hard way.

Now here I have to own up to a special interest in this particular subject.

I adore redheads.

Totally.

I had no idea that redheaded girls floated my boat until I got to spend some time with the real thing just after I left home. I was in awe. I just love the copper colored hair, the dust of freckles, the skin lustre - to me this is pure gold - true end-of-the-rainbow stuff.. Something that adds BPM to my internal beatbox. Just being in the same room is enough half the time.

I'm a shy dude on the sly and when it comes to lasses who really get under my skin I just clam up. The redheaded girls to me were goddesses - untouchable royalty, not fit for the likes of me. I was always a little wary of some not being quite the real deal. There are a lot of redheads out there but they are all clothed. But just how many of these girls had the full matching collar and cuffs??

The first coppertopped goddess I knew well I totally put on a pedestal. She was a vision, she really was, and I couldn't come close to confessing my devotion because, well, I didn't want to destroy the illusion. It was pleasure enough to feel her breeze.

Ten years later, another coppertoned apparition got close, and again, I couldn't handle the heat. Icarus lost his wings again in the heat of the moment. The closest I get was a dance lesson with her, and the very act of holding the lass, touching skin and getting so close just had me so worked up I couldn't walk straight or think straight for months. And again, she never knew.

And finally I met someone who just clicked, and that was it! Glory be! I've never known such spectacular beauty and I grin twice as wide every day just because of her.

So when someone comes out with such spectacular crap as this science report I want to get on a plane and do everything I can to prove the silly old fool wrong. It can't be too difficult, but I'd like to add a little of the personal touch just to make sure he finds something a little better to do with his sad little life.

A few years back, after hearing that Ginger Productions' Chris Evans had been lobbing money at Ken Livingston, Frank Dobson (has-been Old Labour layabout, and former Yorkshireman) said his mother had always warned him about redheads. Evans heard about this crack doubled his donation.

Picking on redheads seems to be the lazy pastime of people who haven't got the balls to be openly racist. Skin color is clearly a big deal with these people, and bullying people because they stand out is their '"bit of fun". To me it's far more fun to concentrate on what is good about life, rather than look for something bad. If you're looking for something good, you are more apt to find it.

I admit to basking in the spectacular glory of the redhead. Does that redhead feel more pain? "Bollocks!!!" is the answer booming across the room. Who am I to argue.

Blogga.