Jolly Green Goddess

The more things change the more they stay the same. If you believe the history books Maggie Thatcher put all this union stuff to rest - shot all the leaders and made the rest of the union mob into workhouses to eat gruel for the rest of their lives.

If someone reckoned they weren't getting paid enough they had to first ask very nicely, second be told that there's cutbacks going on to pay for the Cutback Management course the boss has just got back from, and three, lump it.

And firemen are supposed to be heroes for the hell of it. Just like the guys from Pleasantville they race around rescuing kittens from trees. Hugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb who do nowt but polish their shiny fire engine and slide down their pole now and again.

I don't even know who is responsible for paying these dudes - I suppose it all comes out of the same pot at the swimming baths attendants and the bin men. Comes out of the rates or the poll tax or whatever its called this week.

And what if the average fireman is so hard up he's moonlighting as a security guard or a Barnsley pub bouncer. Clearly somebody somewhere is going to go face to face with Mr Bumble and ask for more...

Well it seems that we're back to the old way of doing things. Back to lightning strikes and flying pickets. Our heroes in the big yellow hats are downing tools to wake up the accountants who work out the pay.

Which is where it gets a bit surreal.

They reckon that if and when the fire boys strike they'll be calling on the army. They'll be driving around some relics from the antiques roadshow. Big old green monsters built back in the stone age, with Fred Flinstone holes in the floor for extra traction.

If this is how Britain is prepared for a major catastrophe lawd help us if something serious happens. Like a cat up a tree or something. Eleven Green Goddess firetrucks to look after the health and safety of the entire North Yorkshire area. Why don't they just let the boyscout troups look after us and have done with it! I hope Saddam and his lackeys aren't looking...

A gang of trick or treaters with a few watersoakers would be a good option. Issue em all with bus passes and hope to god that the fires are on a frequent bus route.

My favourite reaction to the firefighters strike was the hospital that's banned toast. Hospital administrators reckon that most of call outs to this hospital are down to dodgy toast machines. So - all heart this lot - they've banned toast. Great logic. They wouldn't want all those Green Goddesses to be showing up at their hospital and strain the emergency cover.

What's next on the agenda do you reckon. The cops put their feet up and leave law and order to the parking attendants and Ambulance duty is left to the brownies.

I reckon if the right set of grafters all go on strike we could declare Yorkshire a Republic and most of the country wouldn't notice until John Prescott was refused entry at the Humber Bridge. Blairs too busy making conference calls with George Dubya and picking fights with Chirac.

Anyone up for this? I'll make the butties...

Blogga.