Billy Casper Sings!

You know when you find stuff on the net and you just know it's a windup. Like that dude who's convinced Bill Clinton is bumping off his old business partners one by one. Or the Dancing Hampsters. You know they aren't really dancing...

So when I googled across Kes, The Musical, I reckoned I'd hit gold. A daft idea of the highest order. A barmy sketch from Monty Python.

Now you all know the Kestrel For A Knave story right? It's sown into the syllabus for GCSE English like Orwell and Steinbeck and Harper Lee. Barry Hines must be making a packet on royalties from sales to fifteen year old swots trying to find solace from clichéd crap like Lord Of the Flies and Animal Farm. Kestrel For A Knave just seems to have dug itself into the English class despite its raw dialog and liberties with the lingo.

I know the Ayup boys are total film freaks and when you get one of em out for a post match drink they are apt to start going off on one about the genius of Ken Loach and Chris Menges, and how it's about time someone cast Dai Bradley in the next Star Wars movie. And get em onto the subject of Mr Sugden, the games teacher and it's word for word:

"I thought you were Denis Law when you were Manchester United? "

It's too cold to be striker today. "I'm scheming today - just like Charlton"

I'm a Nick Hornby man myself.

But this business of Kes being made into a musical is hilarious. But check this out. Has anybody out there see it? What's it like? Do you come out singing and dancing? Who gets the big number. Does he get the bird at the end?

EE I can see it now. Elaine Page as the mum, Michael Crawford as Jud and Britney Spears all strapped up making her West End debut as Best Boy. Andrew Lloyd Webber throwing a wobbler because he's just found out Brian Glover's unavailable and no one can pluck up the courage to tell him why.

Or perhaps it's a Tommy style rock opera, with Bob Geldof and Damon Albarn, Slipknot playing in the living room, and Bjork making bird noises. Beckham and Owen will drop in on Sundays to lead the footie match, and Tom Jones leads the finale swinging a dead Kestrel round while singing "You Can leave Yer hat On"

Or it could be a full on Michael Jackson / John Landis MTV video job with huge choreographed dance numbers in the classrooms, and Britney Spears again - this time Billy's got a bigger bird that teaches him how to fly. Eminem can pick the fights, and Madonna can be mum.

This has lots of potential. Perhaps it can be updated - A Kesrtel for a Navel, about a tattoo he has done!

Why not stop here - you could rework Nil By Mouth as a West End farce. The Sopranos as a Disney cartoon.

I'm going for a lie down...

PS - Anyone seen the new Ken Loach flick yet? Any f@cking good?? You can't read this if you're under sixteen you know. Got any ID?

Blogga.