Movie Mania

I've been wandering off to the flicks a lot suddenly on the way home from work.

It's a habit I got out of after too many close encounters with the Popcorn and Coke Bucket brigade - who tend to wreck any chance of movie enjoyment by yelling to friends / answering cellphones / snickering at nipple exposure. (Delete as applicable).

You know the sort. They are at their worse if the film is a horror suspense job and they've seen it before. The little shits then wreck the experience completely by giving a very loud running commentary and greet every bloody moment with gales of hysterical laughter.

I was thinking of running down to Miramax and pitching an idea of a horror movie where the victims are gobby local morons who leave their cellies switched on. Who knows I might put myself forward as the villain!

My oldest habit was afternoon showings, back when I worked jobs outside the 9-5.

The ideal situation was having the whole cinema to myself, which is a bit weird I've got to admit. It's so peaceful and quiet and there's no nutter struggling with a bag of Uncle Joe's Mintballs in your lugole, or some headcase with a two foot neck blocking the subtitles.

I know you young 'uns never get to see foreign language shit down at the Megaplex but let me tell you about the delights of the foreign film! For a start the women are better looking and aren't stick insects with Too Bright Smiles. And the men are complex bastards - being good looking probably means they are the villain not the hero.

The latest class Frenchie I saw is a film called 'Chaos' which starts with a middle class Paris couple driving down a street and being confronted with a prozzie being assaulted by these thugs. In true Bonfire of the Vanities style they lock the doors and leg it as soon as the poor wretch is pounded into the ground. Dramatic start, but it turns into a great movie. The woman in the car takes it upon herself to see that the assaulted pro is back on her back again, and it wrecks her cosy little life.

Grand movie. Beats anything by the Hollywood broads (who seem far more interested in awards ceremonies, posing for rude mag shots, and nicking stuff from the local shops.

I know I should be bracing myself for a double whammy of James Bond and Harry Potter but I really can't be arsed. Even the prospect of Halle Berry as a Bond bikini gal doesn't really entice me into the box office. I'm sure I'll be able to download the best bits in a few weeks anyway.

You honestly think I'm going to be bothered with spending real money on high-profit no-brainers like these?

Another movie to look out for - recently released in the states - is Triggermen. It stars Men Behaving Badly dude Neil Morrissey and dapper Irish feller Adrian Dunbar as a couple of smalltime crooks mistaken for hitmen in Chicago. Our spies over the pond (OK, our web dudes) reckon Morrissey is just brilliant and might even be stepping up to Hollywood level with major stars like Vinnie Jones and his sis Catherine Zeta. That's out here in the new year after the Harry Bond and James Potter Hooha has subsided.

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And no I'm not going to be bothered with the Eminem film hype - and I don't care that his One Shot cut from the soundtrack is genius. On film he's got to be Vanilla Ice with bells on. That's not my idea of a good night out. Turns out the new Guy and Maddie Ritchie flick is a bag of shite as well - word is that it's straight to video here after a totally pants reception over in Madonna's home turf.

Mind you anything that gets the pizza and DVD generation out from under the Blockbuster Card is a good thing. I hope to gawd they are paying attention to the groovy blacknwhites that still creep onto afternoon telly as well, and figuring out who James Dean, Paul Newman, Marlon Brando, Jimmy Cagney, Orson Welles and Bogie and Gable are. And if you don't know, and still think Tom Cruise and Adam Sandler are the last word in celluloid boy are you in for a ride!!

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