The Blind Eye of York

How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Six - four to write an 60 page study recommending a three-way 100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article for the local paper praising the study to high heaven, and one to put in a 10 watt bulb because it's cheap.

I'm sure you city planner types, the ones who spend months developing traffic light strategies, and debating what colour to paint the street bollards, are working for the better good. After all, there's a lot to plan. If I want to build a shed for my pet kestrel, or put a wall up between me and the idiot next door, or chop down that dead poplar tree, someone's got to tell me if I can do it or not, haven't they?

And if I live in the great City of York, with all that historic stuff to worry about, I'd be feeling pretty important. I mean you can't just walk into a grand place like that with a wad of money and just start building any old thing now can you. The planners need to get involved, to have a good meeting and let you know if it's good for the heritage, good for the city and good for the future.

Well you'd think so.

And if - just supposing, like, 'cos I know that not just everyone would want to do this, or have the cash to back it up, but just supposing that you wanted to build something next to one of the most important spots in the whole city. Somewhere right by some of the most culturally important piles of bricks in the whole place. Next to a museum, maybe, or a national historical monument that everyone associates with the town. The kind of place that attracts schoolkids and ice-cream vans and coach parties of people in duffle coats. The kind of place where Lord Mayor's Parades set out from. A bit on the grand side. Not the championship winning gravel drive of The Minster but qualifying for the playoffs..

Then the planners would really get stuck in. You'd need to be sure that your building has a bit of grandeur about it, something that not only compliments the big important piles o bricks around you, but gets people going "Oh that's a nice new building, I'll take a photograph of it".

Imagine you're a big shopping centre mogul. You're built shopping centres all over England and everyone has looked at the big glossy shopping blocks you've built and said - "Top Shopping Center mate, you're so good at building shopping centers".

You've even been to Yorkshire now and again to prove you're one with the locality. You can point to a shiny new Arndale Centre ( or Shiny White Petunia Centre if you must) in West Yorkshire, produce glossy documents showing that you single handedly brought Bristol to life, or turned Blackfriars into a thriving babe magnet.

You're the very epitome of the nice friendly company that just wants to help the city thrive and business to grow. OK, you want the kudos of having Clifford's Tower and Castle Quarter to decorate your carpark, but otherwise you're nothing to get worked up about at all.

Of course you're going to need some big mates, because the building you're planning is a bit, er, dull, and people might not even notice what a hot new addition this is to the York cultural scene.It's not your fault you couldn't afford Norman Foster or Richard Rogers. It's got the usual glass and steel and postmodern noggly bits but it's not going to get the local loudmouths all worked up. So you'll need some grease to get this past the planners. They tend to notice boring shit like this and get suspicious...

Down in London the debate about the 40 story Heron Tower in the City of London had mayor Ken Livingston calling conservationists "the greatest risk to London's economy since Adolf Hitler", and our old mucker Prince Charlie calling the building "a depressingly predictable antennae that said more about an architectural ego than any kind of craftsmanship". He quoted the Tom Wolfe crack about a "turd in every plaza". Even the fat government quangle-wangle English Heritage got off the fence and had something to say. Enough to get the Deputy PM John Prescott all riled up.

They probably said all that about Cliffords Tower when silly old William the Conqueror built the place. There was probably some mediaeval newspaper columnist watching the Norman funded construction workers putting up the scaffolding and wrote "Overblown Phallic Structure" before being hit on the head with an axe.

And your nice shopping block is a low key, not very interesting bit of building that the future York city planners can easily knock down if they decide the place needs a building of stature.

Clifford's Tower may be a major site of Jewish martyrdom, and a great marvel of a great city but perhaps the city councillors up there might not be so protective. It doesn't exactly fit in with the tourist plan, now does it. It's not as if the York Minster rubberneckers are ever going to stray this far across the city. Shambles Street tea shops are about the limit. The school kids are far more interested in the Castle Museum Souvie shop anyway. Besides, there are too many steps.

As for good old English Heritage, they've got much more interesting things to worry about, like Heron Tower in London blighting the London skyline, or tarting up Stonehenge for Americans. Clifford's Tower? "Do we run that?? A piddly little northern monument that has no roof on, and doesn't shift any T-shirts?". The nice backers of Copperbottom Shopping Mall are Brits anyway, not nasty foreign types so, go on then build your shopping center and doing make much noise while you're doing it. Good old British Dull? That's the ticket...

You city planning types are probably relieved that this odd bit of rock has found it's resting place in the York firmament. It's probably been a right conundrum for you in the true Richard Whiteley sense of the word. "What is it. What does it mean. When can we knock it down".

But now it's going to be a nice roundabout behind a terrific new shopping development and you won't have to worry about its place in the history books. At last it's going to have a future we can all live with and is worthy of a strange building that doesn't make money for anyone and is a bit in the way.

Now you can get back to work on that juicy Askham Bryan traffic light problem. No more public inquiries for you.

You want the lowdown on this? Try CliffordsTower.com - John Prescott's the dude with the final say. He's still on the fence right now...

Q: How many York City Councillors does it take to change lightbulb?

A: Four. One to change the lightbulb, and three to go round the town sticking up posters saying York City Council, Changing Lightbulbs for the people" Blogga.