Hoolig@n

With the addition of blokes called Peggy and Marion to the footie back pages Sam Vision has kind of lost it a bit. Cover yer ears, kids.

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I'm feeling all angry about these modern day footballers, I know why they have gone all soft - It's because of poncy names. That's what it is.

Remember in the old days, when footy players kicked a ball made out of ten pound of clay stitched inside a steel-reinforced leather shell with laces made out of piano wire? Well, in them days players could only survive the rigours of the game because they were called things like Albert, Arthur, Bert, Harry, Bill, Eddie, Bob, Jack and Tommy. Tough names for tough men, them was. And what do we have now? Jason, Wayne, Dean, Ryan, Jamie, Robbie. Tarts' names, they are. Great big blimming puffs. No wonder the ball's like a balloon and shin pads is like slices of bread.

In the old days you never saw a Len Shackleton or a Billy Wright with a puffy little Sondico piece of paper down his little thin socks. Shinpads in them days was made out of library books, and socks was like sackcloth. Same with the jerseys. Blimmin' shirts with holes in now so they can breathe. Yes, so that little Jody's hairless chest can breathe and he doesn't get a chill. Eff off. Stanley Matthews used to dribble round Europe's finest wearing a tent and shorts cobbled together from the jacket of his de-mob suit. Aye, he blimmin' did. No wonder players fall over all the time whenever an opponent comes anywhere near them.

And they never used to show their arses at one another either. Can you imagine what might have happened if Don Revie had flashed his ring at Nat Lofthouse during a City-Bolton Wanderers game? He'd have got one of them size- hobnail wotsits up his chuff. Therapy for stress my arse! Stan Collymore slaps his missus and he takes three seasons off with stress counselling. What the blimmin' eckers is that all abart? Ha! Trevor Morley got a kitchen knife in his back off his wife and was out of action for three month. Soft get.

Archie McChitt of Port Vale got run over with horse and cart one Friday night and he still turned out against Bradford the following day. And he scored two goals. That's cos his name wasn't "Trevor". Good old Archie. Broke his hip, both his legs, murdered his wife and buried her under the patio and still made the England team for the Home Internationals. Did he have any "stress counselling"? Did he buggery!

And drugs? There was none of that in the old days. Oh, no. In them days it was a quick shot of morphine before kick-off and you was lucky if you got that. By half-time it had all but wore off so they pumped you full of laudanum. None of this cocaine sniffing and shooting up class A narcotics. Goal celebrations? Don't talk to me about goal celebrations. Crawling on the floor and thrusting their hips at the crowd. Huh! I'd like to have seen Cliff Bastin do that after a run down the left flank and crossing for Alex James to fire home a winner. Handshakes...and that was all you got. That and a hand job in the showers afterwards. But it was a proper beef jerky...all man stuff. None of these puffy hand shandies between blokes that you get nowadays with players like Greame Le Socks and Stephen Jeer-Hard. Allegedly.

In them days, there was nowt wrong with it cos it didn't mean nowt. They used to say there was a "gay atmosphere" in the dressing room after the match. But it didn't mean owt mucky. Just a bit of harmless spanking the plank among healthy young sportsmen. Aye. I know. Me dad told me. Sixty grand a week! Ha! I wouldn't pay 'em tuppence. Two-bob Tommy Lawton used to get a guinea a month! And Tom Finney still worked as a plumber four days a week when he was playing for England. It's true, you know. Players had to work them days just to make up their money. Not like today. Stan Pearson had to clean sewers and doubled up as Old Trafford craphouse cleaner. He had to go off during one game because some gonk had built a log cabin and blocked the U-bend. And that Eddie Hapgood was a male model...though he never liked to talk about it.

So I say we start calling kids real male names again. If you're having a kid, don't even consider puffy names like what people call their kids these days. Otherwise what we gonna get in twenty years' time? The England team full of players called Keanu, Ronan, Ashley and blimmin' Chesney. Bugger that! Call your kids Alf, Herbert, Len, Frank, Fred and Wilf. And let's get the powder puffs out of the game once and for all.

I thank you.

__________Sam Vision ©Jan2000